Understanding before being understood

 Have you ever had the experience of fighting with your significant other and feeling like you just keep having the same argument over and over again, but that you're not getting anywhere? I have had that feeling from time to time, and I think it safe to say that it feels like you're stuck on a merry-go-round. You’re making no progress, things are getting heated and you’re starting to say things that you don’t mean. You can't explain what you need to the other, and trying to talk things through only leads to more fighting.

Conflict is a part of life. It is a part of every close relationship, and every marriage, and it isn't necessarily a bad thing. When we respond poorly to conflict (as most of us do) or when we don't use it as an opportunity to learn, grow, or change, then conflict can distance us from those we love, and cause even more problems in the family. When we feel threatened, even just verbally or emotionally, the logical part of our brain temporarily shuts down in order to protect ourselves against the attack, figuring out how to return us to an emotionally safe place. This reaction doesn’t only activate during threats of physical danger. It also activates when we’re emotionally angry, so any perceived attack from your partner will trigger this response.

Typically, one person (or each person) is bent on having his or her own way. If we see an issue one way and expect everyone else to see it the same way we do, then we are more likely to try to exert power and control over others and sway them to our perspective. Attempting to exert control and power over our partner typically results in win/lose or lose/lose outcomes for in our family relationships. In consequence, the same approach cannot be used for two family members because no two people operate in the same way. You’re trying to figure out what you both need and how you can help each other to calm down in order to reach a more effective communication space and work everything out, but you can't do that if you're still in the heat of an argument.

There are many ways in which a couple can avoid conflict and enable proper communication such as, letting the heat of the moment go away before discussing the matter, taking some time to understand exactly what you might be trying to communicate, come up with plans or ideas of what to do when these situations arise, recognizing and verbalizing appreciation for each other’s efforts to improve, among others. All these things will hopefully help you move from a place of escalated fighting and saying hurtful words that you don’t mean to a more calm discussion, where you can use the logical part of your brain to make progress for the future on some of those issues. Getting there takes time and hard work. However, when you put the effort as a couple to improve your marriage, you will start to see progress and reach a point where you can talk to your partner about any relationship problems without fighting.

In good times and bad, couples need each other. Good communication does not mean that your family won't have any problems, or that your partner will always like what you have to say. Good communication means the chances of solving problems are much higher if you and your partner can express yourselves openly and freely with each other. I think the best way that I could summarize all the thoughts I have shared today would be to try to understand your partner before you try to be understood yourself.