The Chemistry of Love

I think that in our generation there is a wrong concept of love. I've heard too many times that "there should be chemistry" between a couple, that they should feel butterflies in their stomachs and have their heads in the clouds all day. Yes, that is important initially, and it is good to feel those things, but I feel that people make “chemistry” more important than it should be. In fact, I believe that “chemistry” is not true love; it is an introductory piece that can lead to true love, but it is not true love yet.

As a Biochemistry major, I have come to understand how the human body works and the chemical reactions that lead to certain stimuli. Personally, I have come to believe that the "chemistry" of a relationship could, potentially, be replicated inside a test tube. Think about it, what makes you feel the way you feel is hormones, molecules reacting with each other and producing certain responses from your brain. Oxytocin is a hormone commonly known as the “love hormone,” which causes all the feelings that are associated with love. However, oxytocin’s effects do not last forever. As the brain gets used to certain stimuli, it produces less and less oxytocin from these stimuli, if I remember correctly, the effects of oxytocin from the same stimuli start to become smaller around the 3-month mark, and for a majority people its completely gone by the 1-year mark. In consequence, the role of oxytocin is to be an introduction to love. It helps people to get through the first months of knowing someone and see the best in the other, and, hopefully, by the time oxytocin is starting to wear off you have decided to stick with your significant other.

I believe that true love is a choice. Once the rose-tinted glasses have fallen and you can see clearly and make a choice. For a lot of people this is where the relationship ends, but for many others this is when the relationship blossoms. Many married couples I know, including my wife and I, have said that they only got to know their spouse in fullness after they got married. These people would constantly say that they chose to stick with their spouse no matter what, and sometimes that decision had to be made every day. Yes, the effects of oxytocin can wear off, but that does not mean that it is gone forever. In fact, I would say that oxytocin is a part of building a happy married life, but these relationships are not founded on it.

So, how do you build a relationship that lasts beyond oxytocin? Most couples I know decide to “keep the flame of their love” alive by constantly engaging in activities that draw them closer together. They keep their relationship going by putting the same amount of effort throughout their time together; they keep dating each other, striving to surprise each other constantly. They spend meaningful time together, talking and sharing their feelings, opinions, thoughts on different situations they have faced on their own and as a couple. They set goals that they have both agreed will make them happy to achieve and then work together, diligently, to achieve them. They share each other’s burdens and help each other carry them, so they don’t feel so heavy anymore. They make their hardest efforts to help one another in any possible way they can. They do all these things equally, and they both put the same amount of time and efforts in making their relationship as happy as they can make it.